When Did Your Important Relationships Begin?

By Lori Lines

Relationships are complex interplays of emotions, experiences, and connections. Within this web, a common yet often overlooked factor is the role of trauma bonding. Many relationships, whether romantic, platonic, or familial, find their origins in shared hardships, creating a unique connection between souls. While these shared experiences can initially foster a sense of unity and understanding, they may also pave the way for toxic patterns that, over time, can strain, hinder or dismantle the relationship.


Understanding Trauma Bonding:

Trauma bonding refers to the emotional connection that forms between those of us who have experienced significant adversity together. Shared trauma can create a unique bond, as we find solace and support in one another during difficult times. This shared experience often creates a sense of unity and understanding that can be the catalyst for the initiation of a relationship.

The Beginning of Relationships:

Many relationships, especially romantic ones, may start with a sense of mutual understanding born out of hardships. Individuals who have faced adversity similar to another, may feel a deep connection, as the shared experience creates a foundation of empathy and support. It's important to note that trauma bonding is not inherently negative; it can be a powerful force that brings people together and fosters growth and strength and self-awareness.

The Evolution of Trauma Bonds:

However, the challenge arises when the relationship continues to be defined by the initial trauma. As we grow and evolve, our needs, perspectives, and coping mechanisms may change, changing how we relate to one another. If the relationship remains tethered to the past trauma, it can become a breeding ground for toxicity and limitations.

Toxic Patterns and the Impact on Relationships:

Trauma bonding can sometimes lead to unhealthy dynamics within relationships. Patterns of codependency, where we rely excessively on each other for emotional support, may emerge. Unresolved issues from the past may resurface, creating a cycle of negativity that hinders the growth of both parties.

Moreover, people may change over time, healing from their past traumas and developing new perspectives. In such cases, if the relationship is solely built on the shared trauma, the bond may weaken or even break as the common ground that initially brought them together fades away.

Examples of Trauma Bonding:

Surviving a Natural Disaster Together

Imagine two individuals who find themselves amid a natural disaster, such as a hurricane or earthquake. The shared experience of facing a life-threatening situation can create a deep emotional bond. The fear, adrenaline, and the collective effort to survive can lead to a strong connection between these souls. While this trauma bonding might initially provide comfort and support, it could become problematic if the relationship continues to revolve solely around the shared disaster, hindering the growth of those involved.

Coping with Loss

Consider two people who have experienced a significant loss, such as the death of a loved one. The grieving process can bring individuals together as they navigate the emotional challenges associated with loss. The shared pain and understanding can create a strong bond, forming the basis of their relationship. However, if the relationship remains solely centered on the grief, it may become stagnant. As individuals heal and move forward, the bond may struggle to adapt, potentially leading to strain or detachment.

Navigating Divorce Together

Imagine two people who, at different points in their lives, experienced the challenging process of divorce. The emotional turmoil, legal complexities, and the restructuring of their lives create a unique bond between them. The shared understanding of the pain, loss, and uncertainty that divorce brings can lead to a deep connection. They might find solace in each other's company, providing mutual support during a difficult time.

However, if the relationship is primarily based on the shared experience of divorce, it may encounter challenges as they both move forward in their lives. As they heal and embark on new beginnings, the common ground that initially brought them together may diminish. If the relationship fails to evolve beyond the shared trauma of divorce, it could become a hindrance to their individual growth. This situation highlights the importance of adapting to change, cultivating open communication, and building a relationship that goes beyond the initial bond formed through hardship.

These examples illustrate how trauma bonding can originate from shared difficult experiences, bringing individuals closer together. While such bonds can be powerful and supportive, they also run the risk of becoming the sole foundation of a relationship, potentially evolving into patterns that hinder personal growth and the overall health of the connection.

My Personal Experiences with Trauma Bonding, Before, During and After Awakening:

In my years of self-discovery, which never ends by the way, I found myself standing at the crossroads of realization, peering into the depths of my closest relationships. As the layers of my awakening unfurled, I began to understand why some of the connections that once anchored me were now adrift, lost in the currents of change. It was a profound recognition, a poignant revelation that echoed through the hallways of my consciousness.

These relationships, forged in the crucible of shared experiences of abandonment and the haunting specter of fear, were vital lifelines during the tumultuous journey of my youth. We clung to each other, navigating the world with the weight of similar scars etched into our souls. Our kinship, a sanctuary built upon the shared language of pain and the resilient spirit that arose from it, became a comforting cocoon in which we cocreated our own reality.

Yet, as I delved deeper into the recesses of self-awareness, peeling away the layers of conditioned responses and inherited fears, I realized the deep transformation that had occurred within me. The once-familiar grounds of victimization, woven into the fabric of my identity through childhood and young adulthood, were fading away. I was evolving, transcending the limitations of my past, and stepping into the light of my true self, in that now moment.

This metamorphosis, however liberating, came at a cost. The relationships that had weathered storms alongside me for years struggled to keep pace with the winds of my internal change. The common ground that once bound us began to crumble beneath the weight of divergent paths. As I shed the cocoon of victimhood, embracing the wings of self-empowerment, I found myself soaring to new heights, leaving behind the confines of old narratives.

It was a bittersweet realization – the acknowledgment that growth can be a lonely endeavor. The once-shared language of sameness and pain had become obsolete, replaced by the resonance of self-love and authenticity. The connections that once defined me were now relics of a bygone era, incapable of mirroring the person I had become.

In this transformation, there was no blame, no resentment. Instead, there was gratitude and deep love for the individuals and for the role these relationships played in my evolution. They were the stepping stones that carried me through the turbulent waters of self-discovery to a new foundation of peace through self-realization. Yet, as I stood on the shore of my newfound identity, I understood the necessity of releasing the anchors of the past.

In embracing my authentic self, I discovered a deep sense of fulfillment that transcended the limitations of shared wounds. The echoes of my awakening reverberated through the void left by fading connections, paving the way for new relationships that aligned with the person I had become. As I navigated the uncharted waters of my transformed reality, I did so with a heart full of love and gratitude for the past, the individuals in it,  and a spirit open to the endless possibilities of the future.

The Importance of Growth and Communication:


For a relationship to thrive, we need to grow both independently and together, learning to cast off the shackles of codependency. Healthy communication plays a pivotal role in navigating the complexities of trauma bonding. Open and honest conversations about our growth, changing needs, and evolving perspectives can help partners or individuals in any type of relationship to adapt and find new, healthier ways to connect.

Final Thoughts...

Understanding the dynamics of trauma bonding in relationships is crucial for healthy connections to stay healthy. While shared hardships can be the genesis of deep connections, we need to grow beyond the trauma and evolve together. Recognizing the potential for toxicity and actively working toward open communication and growth can transform a relationship from one based on shared trauma to one built on tenacious understanding, and mutual support.

In Love and Truth,
Lori Lines